LET'S KILL CANCER (HORROR CHARITY) AUCTION : all monies donated go to Charity

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

thoughts

     I never bare my soul truly on these blog posts, so with that I'll open my window to my demented  mind and tortured soul.  A little over 2 weeks ago i was at my wits end, i had given up hope. I didn't care if i lived or died, and frankly death was looking better and better. I started to drink heavily again (which one should not do when on prescription medication- that's a big NO SHIT!!). Well as in descended into my pit of hell i cut ties off with my family and friends, i stopped writing (my first and honestly only true love). I found myself one night drunk as fuck eye-balling a bottle of pain killers for a chronic issue i have and i found myself saying "fuck it,why not, nobody is going to care your gone".
  The strangest thing happened tho', i never did take those pills, instead i passed out from pure exhaustion, i'd been up over 36 hours straight, give or take a hour. When i came too the next morning i knew that i had a serious issue at hand and i needed to do something about it before i did decide to end it all. So with the help of my family, some great and dear friends and my therapist i entered a mental facility on my own free will to get my shit in order. I'll tell you two things right off the bat, first i'm NOT fucking nuts (trust me i got to see crazy up close and personal and its fucking depressing as hell) and second, i was overwhelmed, stressed to the core of my being and that caused my anxiety to go through the roof, not to mention the depression. I learned a lot those four days i was in there. 
   I'd like to say that the first was a no brainer, but when i was literally running 24-7, i never was able to take a look at myself and my own health, that's now changed. I also got my REAL personality back while i was there, i'm not the nicest person in the world and i'm no longer going to pretend to be. I had tried in vain for years to help and please everyone over my wants,needs and health-not anymore. When i got out i had friends fall dead like flies that used to be there for me, but that's a life lesson that we all have to learn the hard way; who is our friend(s) and are they going to be there for us when the chips are down.
  I've gotten back to writing, i have a short story finished which is going to be passed to a select few to read and help me with, i also have a second short story that just keeps growing in size so it'll be done when the story itself is done.  I also have other projects going at this moment, but for now i'll keep a lid on them.  
   I'm only sharing my story, my life story of the last few weeks so you the reader who has similar thoughts and feelings, you're not alone, but and i stress this: NEVER TRY TO KILL YOURSELF. You do have people that care for you even if you think its bullshit, its not, and if you can't talk to anyone just leave me a message on this post and i'll contact you asap.  NEVER GIVE UP...

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